Birthday coming up

Our little boy will be 8 in a couple of weeks time.  He has brought to this world a huge amount of sunshine and happiness, but I would not be honest if I did not say that there has also been a lot of tears as well.  I know that on the eve of his birthday I will find it hard to sleep, I will remember in great detail the night before I went into labour, my thoughts and feelings at that time.  I know that I will cry after I have dropped him off at school, he will go into class, I will return to the car and I will cry.  It will be just after 9am, the time he was born.  I know this will happen, because it has happened every birthday he has ever had.  I will spend time thinking, rememebring, wondering if there was something I should have done or could have done differently. I know it will not change things and maybe I am being a little self pitying and a little self indulgent, but I will do it anyway.

 

The World has Stopped.

The Registrar was trying to explain to us about a baby we had not yet seen, not yet held, not yet named.

The amount of time without oxygen, had caused damage to his brain.  Ok so when can I see him?

We are not sure how much damage has been caused to his brain. Ok so when can I see him?

Why when I was hearing all this talk of brain damage was my own brain not registering anything? Why could I not take in this important information, process it and come out the other end with ‘your baby has brain damage?’ Why did the World stop for a few moments and then start again with bits of us missing.  That is what it felt like when you suddenly realise that the child you have just given birth to has been hurt beyond repair!

One Response to “Birthday coming up”

  1. Is it really possible to attach ‘brain damage’ to someone you’ve not seen yet, you’ve not held, they’ve taken away and told you hour by hour. I never believed that the ‘abnormalities’ on my sons MRI would ever amount to anything – how could I be so naive? Do you know what, it doesn’t matter! He’s here, he’s brought joy beyond anything I could imagine – No you could not have done anything to change it. Allow yourself anything you need, you were chosen as Harry’s Mum because you would do the best job for him, you would love hm and care for him and make him happy. Sometimes that’s harder than anyone could know, but look what you’ve achieved because of it and all the people you’ve helped, All bad things can be turned around for good! This goes to everyone who struggles, who asks why, could it have been different, if only,you are blessed – you can make a difference and it can be turned around for good.